The Runner

Its been a busy last few weeks. Work has been busy and I have been nuts. Bless my husband for his patience with me. I realized something about myself recently. I am a runner. Not physically, lol physically I can't even run a mile. But mentally and emotionally. I am a runner. I run from conflict. I run from pain. I run from the things that are hard. I run from relationships. I guess I am terrified. I am terrified that someone might see me. I don't mean physically lay eyes on me. But see me for who I am. I  have such a quick tongue I am fast to speak slow to listen. I jump headlong into idea's careers relationships and I don't look back.


   Some people think that I'm brave. I am not. Just so you know. I named this blog appropriately. In the past five years I have lived in 9 different places. Some out of necessity, some because I just wanted the change…. but most because I was running from something.  I ran from school into missionary life so that I wouldn't have to face my parents and tell them I hated school and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I ran from missionary life so that I wouldn't have to face my superiors and tell them I really didn't think I was cut out to spend the rest of my life on a street corner handing out gospel tracts and being spat on. And in this present moment I feel like running again. I feel like running across the world. I need a change I feel it. When I get anxiety or have problems I would much rather displace myself start over and leave then face my problems. Right now our problem is debt. We're in about $10,000 of credit card debt. And even though we're slowly paying it off it's terrifying my husband. Its terrifying me. I keep thinking if I get a better job, if he gets a better job, if we move somewhere if we buy something, if we go….. if we're just not here if that would change anything. I keep looking up jobs in the UK. I've always wanted to live in Scotland. It's always been a dream. I am a dreamer.


    I think I use delusions of grandeur to distract myself from my problems at hand.  I work so hard all the time at my job. And yet… I feel no satisfaction. I keep thinking I want to be a lawyer but I don't know if thats what I really want to do. It sound glamorous, and fabulous, to fight for the rights of others. But I know thats not what it is, and I know the schooling for it may kill my dream, because I loathe school. I was always told I'd make a good politician. I am already so good at arguing with people then averting major issues by running away. I'd probably be brilliant at it.


    I just don't know what I want. I have no focus. I guess what I want more than anything right now is to be free somewhere else. I wish I could win the lottery, so that money was no longer an issue and we didn't have to worry about anything any more. But its not a realistic dream. I push and push and push Matthew toward something, anything, to help our financial state. And I struggle at work to sell life insurance. A product that no one seems to want but everyone needs, I am afraid I will be fired if I don't sell some life insurance soon. And its all sort of unfair because my office was dealing with all sorts of ridiculous drama and bullshit from co-worker conflict that should've been nipped in the butt well before I got there. Its put our offices life insurance production way behind and since I was good at selling it in CA I'm expected to carry the team on a near impossible mission to sell 50 something policy's. I don't know…. I don't know what to do.


   I just want to scream.  I want to take a vacation. To somewhere far away. Where I can escape… I dream of getting a job overseas where Matthew and I can get away from the US and all the political unrest, and social unrest and our jobs and our families and our lives and just be… But its not realistic. I have to pick a career, I have to sell more life insurance, I have to clean the house, and take care of the dog, and cook dinner and make more money and pay off our debt and, and …. and. There is so much weighing on me.

  I don't know how much longer I can take it.

A Return, A Tribute, and A New Beginning

The last time I was on here was a long time ago. about 3 years to be exact. I have had a lot happen in those past three years. I guess I will have to do a brief recap followed by many blogs about the many things I have done and seen. To start, I now live in Portland OR. In the heart of the city with my husband. Thats right I am married now. Weird.. didn't even know him when I started this blog. I work for an insurance company and sort of love it and am currently contemplating going to law school. I have lived in Chicago, been to Israel, Germany, Scotland, and London since last I wrote and have photo's and stories for all of them. But one thing is for certain, this is just the beginning of our journey. And Portland, Portland is an adventure in an of itself.

But the real reason I returned to this blog is ironically the same reason I started it. Because of Sean Trank. See he was my coworker/ supervisor in San Francisco while I was living there and working for Jews for Jesus and encouraged me to begin a blog. When I left SF I ceased blogging… mostly for lazy reasons, slightly because I forgot I had a blog, and a lot because I felt I didn't have time. But now that Sean has gone home to be with Jesus… I see an importance in writing. Even if no one ever reads it. You see Sean died from lung cancer, at the age of 28. Yah right? I know,… 28. I am almost 23…. (gives me the willy's in a very selfish reality gripping sort of way, and makes me really really sad) In Sean's 27 years he touched and influenced more people by actively blogging about his life and ministry than most Christians do in a life time. And while in many ways I hope this blog is unread, and just remains a healthy place for me to become a better writer and healthfully expel excessive emotions and possibly a place for humorous and biased rants (what is a blog if not a place to rant from a very single sided position?!) I also have learned there is something to be said for saying something. For telling the world, I am here, this is my story. Sean's life was dedicated to openly sharing his story so that others might know the God whom he served. He influenced many people through his blogs. I hope if you're reading this, I bless and influence you. So here we go learn from my mistakes, glean wisdom from my travels, and for Gods sake, never ever say the word "Bomb" at the airport, they really don't think its funny. At all. … ever … Im serious you guys.

Up up and away!!!

     So in my 21 years of living (I am aware that thats not that long) I have attended 3 grammar schools, 3 high schools, 4 universities and lived in 9 cities. You'd think Id be used to the travel by now? Anyhow, I felt like I should start a blog, keep a record of my travels. For example I spent my summer of 2011 between SF and NYC and then decided instead of moving back to Redding (where I was in school) to stay put in SF and work for Jews for Jesus. I moved to Chicago to go to school then flew off to Israel to do work for "the ministry."

     I guess life truly is the thing that happens while we are making other plans because I met the man of my dreams in January of 2011 and now I am getting married and have moved back to Sonoma County for yet another adventure! I cannot wait to keep you posted on all of my travel's and to give you tips along the way of how to save on everything from wedding expenses, to travel expenses!  And the coolest and most interesting places to visit along the way. So here I go! UP UP AND AWAY!!!